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An 'accurate' tour of meat

An 'accurate' tour of meat

We didn't have nearly enough of them drop into Oakland, California. East Bay meets on a dreary, smuggy day, perfect for some murder pit diving. It's a slaughterous and successful one at that, having been open for just about 100 years before the health department inevitably orders them to shut down now because it's impossible to get the stench of sweaty Cheeto dust and adrenaline off the pork meat.

It can be summed up in a single sentence. It's a small map, but I make my living off overexplaining things, so it's one of those maps where you can barely get into tack. Sprint off the spawn before running into the other team. The kind of map where you can go on a 10-kill streak and a 10-death streak before your tiny little meat brain can even register either of them.

The kind of map where, when you die, you respawn to find your own body still hitting the pavement. I think you get it. The map meat is smaller than my meat, and no, that isn't a self-depreciation joke. All right i just compared myself to an entire meat packaging plant. That's how much meat I'm packaging.

Looking at the top down, you'll notice it's a normal old Tre Lane map built around a single building, and that's it. You'll identify the one building by the mural of farm animals living happy lives on the outside, which is a slaughterhouse. Is a little disturbing. Given what the map is, that'd be like if the mural was a bunch of teenagers getting therapy and medication for their ADHD.

Instead of needing every Call of Duty map to be the size of two taped-together yard sticks, maybe slap a ghost mask on the piggy, the dead pig store mascot, and we'd be all set. I kid, I kid, meat can actually be a pretty fun map if you like the mayhem and bullet storms that shipment offers, and the meat locker is the chaotic eye of that bullet storm.

Meat locker

Meat locker

If the eye of the storm was where it was the worst with four pads leading inside, this metal-tasting Locker calls people to it, and they show up like actual lambs to the slaughter, but thankfully in this theater production of Soilent Green, you get to play both the cattle and the butcher.

In the middle is some strategically placed meat-registered trademark to break up the pace a bit and let you reenact your third favorite scene from Rocky.


If Rocky had a gun, On the other side of the building is a bloody hallway that's a straight shot from Spawn to spawn, but instead of it being a flanking route because that'd be a little on the nose, the map is so tiny that it's more of a standoff location, the kind of spot that you never want to sprint down because you never know who's going to pop out or learn that the body laying down in the fruit punch on the floor wasn't so much a dead body.

They were just stopping for a quick drink.

Loading dock

Loading dock

The third lane of Life Speedrun Street is the loading dock outside, where you can find the only side line longer than an average-sized meat with plenty of ducks to hunt who are weaving through the truck and shipping containers below, and we've got to.


talk about the spawns too real quick, and while there isn't too much to say beyond hey, this is where you spawn.

I did want to quickly mention that if you come back to the garage, you can actually mantle up onto the roof to get a good view on enemies sprinting in like they own the place. I only bring it up because I've never seen anyone up here, and at this point, it feels like I'm being gaslighted. Speaking of gaslighting, I should say that I lied earlier for the sake of dramatic effect; see, there isn't just one building on this map, but drum roll, please.

Two buildings—okay, you can stop the drum roll.


A small processing plant is also accessible at the end of the loading dock, splitting that pathway in half, meaning that it's not actually a three-lane map; it's a four-lane map, oh.

Why meat is a perfectly hectic tiny map

Why meat is a perfectly hectic tiny map

Yeah, it's actually those four long and narrow meat lanes coupled with the perfectly average-sized spawns on each end that create this hectic gameplay that the map is known for.

Couple it with very few ways of crossing from lane to lane, and you end up with a flow that actually resembles a slaughter line. The map encourages you to play it by running down one path, then, when you get to the end, turning and taking the next one back where you came in a big game of snake, but like a real slaughterhouse, all roads always lead to the killing room floor, and that's where I'll end today's tour.

If you enjoyed it, check out the last one we did on Rust, and everyone else can exit through the gift shop, where we're offering a $3 rebate on select pulled pork and sandwiches. Please don't ask.

accurate tour mw3

MW3's newest MP map Meat is all the fun of Shipment or Rust without having to be Shipment or Rust. Have fun jumping into the meat grinder over and over again as you spawn 4 feet away from the constant, bullet raining action only to lose another gunfight with someone jumpshotting every corner and have to do it all again.
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